 ITS THE TERMITE AND VINE WEEKLY NEWS !!!
WHISKEY SENTENCED TO 18 MONTHS IN OPP
we went to court on Monday to support whiskey at his sentencing. MAYOR SQUIRREL is back out of jail himself (arraigned on his second open count of public sidewalk sleeping and owing OPP a new total of $550 in sleeping fines.) but he was discouraged from going in the courtroom with his "I DONT GIVE A FUCK !" t-shirt.
i didnt testify but handed in the kinna crappy letter from the last post. whiskey has a really nice public defender named Sherman who calls himself " Just a goody goody jew boy lawyer in a suit and sneakers". he rules. whiskey unfortunately also has judge frank marullo, morteville's most infamously psychopathic hanging judge.
in a recent revelation of the facts we have learned that after postponing trial 3 times cuz hes committed to putting whisk in jail marullo flew the asshole who attacked him down here from fucking Houston. and not just him but also his girlfriend. and put them up in a hotel.
the reasoning behind this decision of the court is a little ugly. apparently Houston guys arm, somehow broken through both radius and ulna, will in the words of Marullo : "never work properly again and he is messed up for life"
after a lengthy exchange between an uncharacteristically not screaming marullo and the perkily happy Sherman, the following weirdness went down: Whiskey is sentenced to 18 fucking months at tulane and broads streets porthole to hell; Orleans parish precinct jails parking lot detention tent (which im told is way better than being in the regular vermin infested vomitilly hot main jail building. Sherman moved to place whisk instead in a half way house program but marullo said Sherman should have suggested that before he passed sentence and he wasnt gonna revoke a judgment.
AS MARULLO CALLED OVER SHERMAN AFTER SENTENCING AND TOLD HIM HE WAS SUFFICIENTLY MOVED TO CONSIDER A SENTENCING APPEAL NEXT WEEK.
so now were waiting to see if and how much time marullo will shave of wisks sentence. the thing that swayed hard hateful marullo was that Sherman had procures WHISKEYS BABY PICTURES AS EVIDENCE OF HIS INNATE SWEETNESS. WHISKEYS MOM MAILED THEM TO SHERMAN LAST WEEK.
IN THE NEXT 2 WEEKS:
- WAITING TO HEAR WHEN WHISKEYS APPEAL IS AND HOW IT WORKS OUT
-assuming HES GONNA BE IN FOR A LITTLE BIT, I'M GONNA provide this info so we can keep whiskey sane in there...
Sending Mail to an Inmate
When sending mail to an inmate:
# Must include INMATE'S NAME, FOLDER NUMBER, and LOCATION (if known)
# Address to 3000 Perdido Street, New Orleans, Louisiana, 70119
When sending money to an inmate:
# Must be a MONEY ORDER
# Money Order must include INMATE'S NAME and FOLDER NUMBER
# Money Order must be SIGNED
Other mail guidelines:
# PICTURES must not be larger than 5" X 7"
# Children pictured must be fully clothed
# No correspondence is allowed from other inmates from any other facilities, including OPCSO
# No blank envelopes, stamps, stamped envelopes, blank paper, cards or pens are accepted. All can be purchased in the commissary.
# No clothing items, including items of hygiene
# No contraband of any kind
# No food items or cigarettes
# No books, magazines, newspapers, or periodicals of any kind
OPCSO Visitation Procedures
In order to visit an Inmate at an OPCSO facility, you must comply with the following rules and regulations:
# You must have a valid State driver's license or picture ID.
I NEED TO GET MARRIED OR SOMTHING
for my passport...
So, some of you might not know this about me, but i was born Canadian. that means i'm basically a normal functioning American member of society, raised in American culture with American socialization, except war and corporate consumerism are not even indirectly indirectly my fault, and i get free health care and i'm eligible to collect $500 welfare a month every month for the rest of my life if i ever decide to return to canada and sign off all the forms declaring myself unemployable. i also talk slighly funny like i'm from Wisconsin or sum thing.
unfortunately Canada only has 6 cities in the entire country, its very cold, and hardly anybuddy lives there. so i moved to America. I'm allowed to be in america indefinatly just as long as my alien ass doesn't get a job, a bank account, a drivers license, a utility bill, or arrested and convicted on felony charges.
Now that i have a job and some money i decided it was about time that i got my shit together and became a registered alien so i can actually do some of those things. cuz i want to own a vehicle and register myself as a licensed maintenance company in Louisiana and have a bank account were i can keep money instead of a coffee can. plus the police who keep arresting me have indicated that my weird old barely legible carte d'assurance des maladis, quebec health care ID card, is not a real piece of identification.
i cant even pick up registered mail or get in to bars in filthydelphia with my fucking provincial health card.
so i decided it was time to register with the government and tell there were i've been the last 2 and a half years since i stopped collecting welfare. i called up the Canadian consulate in Dallas TX and started trying to get my shit together. my attempt to get a passport application quickly turned in to A HOME LAND SECURITY SHIT STORM FREAK OUT !!!
Canada (texan division) expressed rage and panic that i should be "living" here without my registered alien card. "extended visiting" is fine and even owning property is cool, but no "living". so i asked if they could start me on getting my alien registration card and then they started flipping at me for "living" here and daring to try to get it retroactivly and then started to demand to know who the heck i was.
i said i was henrietta potswiper and hung the fuck up.
so here are my options.
1. stay living only in the underground, register everything i own or do to some trusted american individual.
(I DONT TRUST ANY OF YOU LOLLY FUCKS TO "OWN" MY BANK ACCOUNT AND CAR AND UTILITY BILLS FOR ME.... ACTUALLY I'D TRUST ME EVEN LESS IF I WER YOU. LAST TIME I TRIED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER THERE WERE COLLECTION AGENCIES AND PARKING TICKETS AND EVICTIONS AND STUFF FOLLOWING ME AROUND)
2. Kill an American girl about my height and weight and wear her flesh as a suit. preferable the victim should be mostly free of debt and warrants, and also be a low life in society, a worthless garbage human who no one would ever miss. like any member of kiss bank, for example..
3. start throwing money at an immigration lawyer and get a green card. one of the main requirement though is that i get an American sugar moma/popa who will sign off that i'm their financial responsibility for the duration of my stay and they must have a minimum yearly declared income of about $30k.
$30k is cuz the American gov says the minimum someone can live on is $14.99k annually. This is complete bullshit as my income has averaged about $4k a year for the last few years and i am the fucking headmistress of the lolly fuck traveling scum bag orphanage.
4. TRADE Identities with someone my age and size who would like to go to Canada and collect welfare and health care.
5. WHO WANTS TO GET MARRIED ?? (note: THE GOVERNMENT SAYS i can only marry boys....)
TERMITE AND VINE GOT ROBBED
FIRST TIME EVER !!!
we have had termite completely filled with scumfuck, drunk punk, low life, junkie pieces of shit, idiots over and over again, (i love you all....) but NO ONE HAS EVER ROBBED TERMITE UNTILL NOW.
the perpetrator was a Non-ThePunx, Carlos, the day labourer guy.
Carlos stayed here for a week, whiskey met him at a construction job and Carlos and his Girlfriend had been living in a little white hatchback with NC plates. Girlfriend Pat (?) was North Carolina white trash and 9 fucking month pregnant, bursting at the seems. Carlos is a chubby Honduran guy with a bit of an afro and mustache, he mostly just hangs out and smokes pot.
they seemed real nice at first giving us food and weed and hanging out... then after a week had gone by and whisk wound up in jail, they staged an elaborate heist were Carlos cased the entire fucking house rummaging through everything and then busting the front door lock so he could sneak shit out with out having to go past squirrel security.
i was mostly saved cuz my room locks and squirrel was fine cuz he doesn't own much but mostly Carlos stole termite tools room stuff and half of poor whiskey's belongings.
repeat: whiskey brought this guy home to put him and his wife up for a week, shared food with him and worked next to him for a week, and as soon as whisk was arrested Carlos jacked everything he owned that was worth anything.
list of stolen stuff
Termite stuff
-$28 black and decor drill
-circular saw
-2 broken drills (ha ha motherfucker)
Whiskeys stuff
-acoustic guitar
-brand new toolbox with $60 of tools
-light body travel guitar
-a few hundred dollars
Squirrels stuff
-pair of clean army combat shorts
we suspect they were heading towards NC (greensboroug ?) pat was explosively pregnant.
i can kind of almost let this go when i think, hey, he's an illegal alien with a pregnant GF on the road... he's prolly a little anxious about holding this together... my sympathies are slight depreciated though as we have two reports from willow, and whats her face, the girlfriend of the guy whos the friend of squirrels hippie friend, that HE WENT IN THEIR ROOMS AND STOOD THERE PLAYING WITH HIMSELF WHILE WATCHING THEM SLEEP.
so we have two new house rules now:
1. All Guests of Termite have to mandatorilly be known by a member of termite inner core family. That means you have to be either my friend or my friends friend. my friends friends friends have to make friends with either me or my friends to stay here...
2. no jerking off on people without explicit prior consent.
we are currently looking for Carlos and little white car with NC plates and a truck full of our stuff. the car will be smashed to shit and once our stuff is removed we'll set it on fire.
Pat's baby will be raised with me as its new mom. her name will be cybertron poop noodle rat of the 21st century apocalypticore the second. we will educate her at termite and never send her to public school or comb her hair.
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